Sometimes the jokes just write themselves

David Davis of New Haven, CT, was getting a haircut in an apartment in Stamford, and says he was approached by another man “in an aggressive manner.” And then the other guy apparently turned his back on him in an aggressive manner, too. Forcing Davis to stab him in the back with a pair of scissors.

There aren’t a lot of details out there about the stabbing yet, and I want more. Because either Davis fled the scene right then; or maybe his amateur barber refused to finish the haircut (and that doesn’t seem like an unreasonable attitude on his part); or maybe Davis grabbed the scissors that had been cutting his hair, thereby bringing the whole operation to a halt all by himself.

Regardless, I think that Mr Davis just got an important lesson about controlling his impulses. On the plus side, this whole business did lead to the invention of what's quickly coming to be known internationally as the Halfro. So there’s that.

And where else can we go for our daily dose of schadenfreude? Well, how about Florida? Late last month, a 40-year-old man named Tomas Bautista was arrested for having sex with a chihuahua.

Tomas shared a house with Clemente Velasquez, 67. According to the Broward County Sheriff's office:

Velasquez, who is Bautista's roommate, arrived home Thursday and found Bautista drunk. He told him to go to bed, but Bautista instead went to the backyard. The dog followed him outside.

Soon after, Velasquez heard Mimi yelp, so he grabbed a flashlight and ran outside. He saw his dog running from Bautista and found Bautista passed out with his pants down.

Mimi was bleeding, so Velasquez notified authorities and took her to the Coral Springs Animal Hospital.

Now, the messed-up part about all this...

...I'm sorry. There's really nothing about this story that isn't messed up.

First, we have a grown man who owns a chihuahua. The world's most annoying dog. I mean, that, right there... OK, again, I'm sorry. Maybe that's just me.

Secondly, the dog is apparently suffering PTSD from the rape. According to Clemente (who owns a chihuahua... really...), "she is now just lying down on the sofa... She's not happy like she normally is."

(The fact that he dresses her in a pink sweater has nothing to do with that...)

Third, they had to charge Bautista with "cruelty to animals," because Florida is one of the very few states where it isn't illegal - you're apparently allowed to have sex with dogs if it's consensual?

And finally but most importantly, we've got some guy who tried to have sex with that same chihuahua. Of all the things that I've ever tried to do, or even thought about doing...

...how drunk do you have to be...?

OK, I will admit that I have called people "pencil dick" in the past. But I have honestly never met a man who tried to prove it.

So, if you take nothing else away from this post, look at that face to the left. Memorize it. If you are ever in Florida (although, god knows why anybody would want to) and if there is any chance that you might end up in jail, you want to know who this guy here is.

If you do nothing else that's good in your life, you have to make sure that Bautista can't get away with saying "Why am I here? Oh, they tried to say I raped some bitch..."