Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Rules for the Empire

The agenda is now public, thanks to PF at Forever in Hell. I bow before our new Empress.
Here it is folks, I'm laying out the Atheist Agenda™ for all the world to see: to leverage this minor blog into my becoming Empress of the Entire Freakin' World. I know, who would've seen that coming?

Anyway, so you can be prepared when I seize power (during an incident that will later be known as the Improbable Soup Disaster), I thought I'd give you a preview of what the Empire will be all about.

Hats. Everyone will wear hats because I like them. If you don’t like your assigned hat, you are welcome to fight someone else for their hat. If you think your hat looks stupid, that’s probably because I don’t like you. You're welcome to complain, but then again, maybe I was complimenting you with that hat- is that a risk you're willing to take?

Health care. Universal. Free. Will include dental and vision. If you don’t like it, you can feel free to die of an infected papercut.

Birth Control. Free, available at every gas station convenient store and it will come in designer colours.

Jeggings. Jeggings will be a form of punishment only. Due to the universal and free healthcare, we will no longer be able to incarcerate any but the most dangerous criminals. This will result in a series of increasingly bizarre and amusing punishments, eventually culminating in a Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome dance contest, after which I assume people will no longer commit minor crimes.

Gay marriage. Of course.

Religion. I will allow major religions, but only so I can promote quirky, offbeat religions, so I suggest you work out the tenets of your faith in advance. Extra points for pageantry that creates an element of otherwise avoidable danger!

Grammar. The Grammar Police will be consuming fully 25% of our former defense budget. I suggest everyone learn how commas work now, before soldiers in lavender berets waltz through your front door and teach you at the end of a bayonet. A reciprocating saw bayonet. And they will literally waltz. It will be delightful.

Food, shelter water, electricity, internet, heat. No one will do without. End of story. I don’t see why people should freeze or starve in the dark, smelly and ignorant of the world around them.

Access. I see no reason why the disabled shouldn't enjoy shopping, dining out, libraries, museums, movies and other forms of, you know, living life. Therefore, everything and every place will be made accessible immediately. Also, I'm going to publicly execute the first 50 closed captioners who caption live TV as nf5njn7qiurft?!, which should greatly improve the quality of future captioning. Or at least the captioning of executions.

Taxes. Will be epic.

Complaints about taxes. You will be forced to address complaints about taxes directly to the beneficiaries of said taxes. So go ahead and threaten to shrug your atlas, bad boy, I’ll put you in a room with the parents of a child with cancer and you can explain to them why you don’t want to pay for their child’s treatment. The parents will be provided with rope and a baseball bat. I wonder what order they’ll use them in?

The Armed Forces. Well, I'll be Empress of the Entire Freakin' World, so other than the occasional doomed rebellion, I'm not sure what I'd really need an army for. So I will disband most of it. I've got all the world's nukes after all. And probably some bitchin' biological/chemical weapons. Disbanding the world's armies will have the added benefit of paying for things we really need, like food. And shelter. And gas lines that don’t explode. And bridges that don’t collapse. And the Grammar Police.

Pears. Will be free.

Books. Every citizen will receive a $5,000 yearly book allowance. Any book you want, paper or electronic. This allowance will come in the form of a card that, when used, triggers a recording of me dramatically yelling, “Are you not entertained?!” (Well, I at least will be entertained.)

That's what the Atheist Agenda™ has so far. You should probably claim your overpaid cabinet position today.


Derek said...

Can we also promulgate a new set of standards in regards to appropriate manners, codes of conduct, and ritualized methods of obeisance? For example, can we abolish the hug as a standard for casual greetings and instead institute the fakey double cheek air kiss between the sexes (and women) and a firm handshake between men, leaving the hug for emotionally charged greetings? I say we need to reintroduce some class and an elevated sense of hierarchy back into our society.
Genruk of Idle Truth

StevenK said...

Hey, I really dig this agenda of yours! Just one thing, though: Do we get to take our hats off when we're indoors? I find they cast too much of a shadow when I read the morning paper. Otherwise, I could sure go for that agenda of yours!


Nameless Cynic said...

Steven - technically, it's her agenda, but for now, I think we can feel safe about removing the hats.

Derek - Nah, that's a religous thing, and we're irreligious. It's just that the "atheist agenda" is such a widespread myth that somebody needed to codify it, just to keep things straight.

But if we're goin' there, I think we should drop all the handshaking and fake hugs, and just go straight for the deep tongue kiss for every occasion. Save on confusion that way.

Octopus said...

Oh Wise and Nameless Cynic, just a few points of clarification, please:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

d) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

e) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

f) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Derek said...

As long as i do not have to ram my tongue down some dude's throat i am all in...
Genruk of Idle Truth

LeftLeaningLady said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! May I, please, pretty please, be a Captain in the grammar police? I do not know how to waltz, but I will happily learn.

Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.
Grammar and commas save lives!

StevenK said...


Uh, dude, you realize the stuff you posted is generally used as a response to those who say the Bible condemns homosexuality, right? And I don't see anything in Nameless Cynic's (actually whoever it is that runs the Forever in Hell blog) post that even remotely engages in any sort of Bible-based homophobia. Just so you know.


Nameless Cynic said...

a. Yes. Smiting your neighbors is always pleasing to the Lord. Particularly if you film it and post it on the Internet.

b. Depends on age and pulchritudinous, just like always.

c. Because Canadians aren't brown. Haven't you been paying attention?

d. Yes. And again, you should film it and post it.

e. No wiggle room, you blind heretic! Begone!

f. No, but you can eat bacon. (Mark 7:19)

Sorry. It's the rule.

Of course. Simply leave your explanation (5 pages, 12-point Calibri, double-spaced) explaining why you should be allowed into the Grammar Police. We'll get back to you.

(Oh, but you should be relieved to note that waltzing lessons are a part of Basic Training.)

Yeah, he probably figured that out by now. That, or there are some awesome videos on YouTube. (But what do you expect? He's only a plush cephalopod.)