Porn Jesus

See, back in 12th century Italy, some unknown painter made an "icon crucifix" (Jesus nailed to a tree, surrounded by a bunch of things - people, in this case - who were important to the story), and hung it in a small church in San Damian. It became popular when some rich guy from Assisi named Francis got sick, and hallucinated that the crucifix spoke to him. (Not as uncommon as you might think - my son had a fever when he was a kid, and thought that one of the posters on his wall grew green tentacles that were reaching for him.)



It's a decent painting, but nothing special. Jesus just hanging there, with sparks apparently flying from his head, and the people standing around talking about how he didn't put enough work in his lats or quads, and his pecs were pretty much non-existent, but look at those abs! Boy's been doing his crunches, all right. Ripped! (I mean, you know, stylized in a way that was popular back then, but tight. Prominent.)

Unfortunately, when something becomes popular, some people copy it without really paying attention to some of the details of what they're doing. And maybe some proportions get gradually farther off, some lines are emphasized more, and sometimes, the errors mount up in ways that nobody anticipated.

Like this crucifix in Oklahoma.



I mean, good Lord! They said Jesus was hung on the cross, but I don't think that's what they meant! Is this how they roll in Oklahoma? "My God's Cock is bigger than yours"? Why else would Jesus be packing heat like that?

I've got to say, it's a nice touch that the people aren't just standing around talking, but are openly staring at His midsection. After all, even in the Zero-th Century, you've got to be impressed by the Holy Staff. It's like a baby's arm! Possibly a whole baby!

It's an interesting way to build up your diety, really. I mean, it's obvious that after Jesus, no man was likely to satisfy Mary Magdalene again. God loved His only Son, and blessed Him with a Python that would send most women screaming in fear.

(Except that He's Jesus, so fear isn't allowed. Wow, leave it to those wacky Catholics to bring a whole new, somewhat disturbing meaning to "Thy Rod and Thy Staff, they comfort me.")

Shouldn't It get its own halo? Hell, at what point is it classified as a birth defect? (Except, of course, it's Jesus, so It must be the perfect Penis. So never mind.) The man's a tripod! He had to sleep on his side or risk spraining Something.

Thank God that the ancient Romans had cesarean sections, because you know that Jesus would have gotten wedged halfway out of the birth canal. ("Here, Joseph, would you like to cut the... NO! Not that one!")

Talk about your grail runneth over! Imagine the bris - it must have lasted all night! (Is that the root of the word "hubris"?) I guarantee that the rabbi saved the foreskin, which means that somewhere in Bethlehem, there's a Torah bound in one impressive relic.

Of course, with gay porn like this hanging around the altar, you do have to wonder why the Catholic church still opposes gay marriage. Come on, guys! Come out of the closet! You're still celibate (well, the good ones are), and your Pope openly wears a dress! Does it really matter if you swing right or left when you aren't technically swinging at all?