Upchuck

World Nut Daily, in its crusade to provide infotainment to drooling morons everywhere, pays Chuck Norris to pen a column for them. In fact, they think that his insane rantings are so important that they've put a button to link to him on their front page. Admittedly, it's under their latest attempt to revive the "birther" corpse (they love fucking that chicken), but it's above the first ad-disguised-as-a-news-story. This must be big stuff!

So, in honor of his 70th birthday, I'm going to grit my teeth and try to read some of his senile rantings.

Obama's Oscar

OK, sorry, Chuck, but I have to stop you right there. See, what he won was a Grammy, not an Oscar. I mean, I know that they seem like the same award to you since you've never won either of them, but the distinction is important to some people.

Fulton J. Sheen once said, "Pride is an admission of weakness; it secretly fears all competition and dreads all rivals."

I am no pinnacle of humility,

...and I don't think they give out an Oscar for "Biggest Understatement," either. If they do, though, this one's in the running.

and I've learned my fair share of hard lessons from the camps of conceit.

Is this like those POW camps you pretended to break people out of, despite never having gone to Vietnam?

But I'm not sure the former Chicago politician occupying the White House has ever been schooled with a primer on the perils of pride.

OK, first, "President" is a lot easier to say. And it would be nice if you could get at least one thing right in this column.

Oh, and be careful, or Alton Brown will arrest you for Unlicensed Use of Alliteration.

It's one thing (though still distasteful) to be boastful in a sports or fighting ring...

And you should know.

...it's quite another in the Oval Office. We were promised change, but it seems to me this White House's smug swagger and strut rivals the great taunts and bluster of Mohammed Ali in his heyday.

Yeah, who can forget Obama circling the bruised and bleeding McCain, shouting "That's right, I said 'Keating 5,' bitch! What you gonna do about it?!?"

In fact, if I were handing out awards, President Obama would win hands down the Oscar for overconfidence and arrogance.

Is that another way to say "uppity"?

Here are a few examples of his Oscar political performances:

Who can forget the State of the Union back in January, when the president utterly disregarded and disrespected our military commanders and the U.S. Supreme Court?

What? What?!? Did you even see the same State of the Union that I did? I mean, yeah, he took the Supremes on about their pig-ignorant, pro-corporate ruling, but... the military commanders? Where?

President Obama rebutted the entire Supreme Court in its presence and before the whole nation, with a premeditated and prepared accusation that the justices "reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests – including foreign corporations – to spend without limit in our elections."

Yeah, OK, Chuck. I know you've taken a few kicks to the head, but... Well, here. Check this out. That's a page listing all the US corporations, headquartered in the United States, but owned publicly by Mitsubishi. A Japanese mega-corporation. I'm just curious. Which one of them is prohibited from dropping a couple of million in support of a candidate?

Here's the argument. As Justice Stevens said in his dissent, this ruling "would appear to afford the same protection to multinational corporations controlled by foreigners as to individual Americans."

But... you're OK with that?

I ask you, which is worse: South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson's impromptu outburst "You lie" to President Obama during his September 2009 address to Congress or the president's premeditated public innuendo and lie during the State of the Union that the U.S. Supreme Court justices are not protecting American sovereignty but handing over political sway to international powers?

Ooh!! Oooh!!! Me!! Pick me!!

...um... Wilson? Because he interrupted someone else's speech? We may become slaves to foreign corporations, but we should at least be polite about it, right?

And did anyone see the mainstream media afterward pressure the president to apologize the way Wilson had to?

Um... again, "interrupted"? The president at least had the floor. That's got to count for something, right?

And what about the faces on the military commanders during the State of the Union?

What? Did he hurt their feelings? Are you saying that they're thin-skinned and can't take a little criticism?

You really don't understand the military, do you? They get cussed out all the time.

Regardless of one's views on gays in the military, the president's smug demeanor...

"Smug"? Is that another synonym for "uppity"?

...in pushing the issue and our military's stoic response prompted me to ask, "Is the State of the Union really the place for a commander in chief to cast in-your-face politics before his leading military personnel, with all America watching?"

Oh. Hang on a second. Let me see if I've got this straight. (So to speak.)

Is this the quote that hurts you so much? "This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Is that it? 38 words? Out of almost 7500? All it took to make the Joint Chief's cry was 0.5% of the State of the Union address? Man, our military is a bunch of wimps.

Consider even the recent so-called health-care summit. It might sound simple to some, but I believe it is symptomatic when, away from the teleprompters but still on C-Span, other members of Congress call the president "Mr. President," while he calls them only by their first name..."

Funny, I don't recall you complaining when Dubya called them, not just by first names, but by nicknames like Big George and Freddy Boy...

...oh, right. Obama's a negro. I forgot. Carry on (but we'll skip the paragraph of examples of the Commander-in-Chief taking liberties with the white folks. Shorter Chuck Norris - "Boy, you best not sass back to your betters!")

In addition, to Sen. John McCain's, R-Ariz., genuine concern for ramming a pork-ridden health-care bill through Congress by politics as usual, president Obama replied, "We're not campaigning anymore. The election is over."

Yeah, that was pretty funny, wasn't it?

And after Rep. Eric Cantor, R-Va., politely opened his remarks by saying, "Mr. President, thank you again very much for having us and for staying with us for the six hours. I appreciate that," the president sarcastically commented about the high stack of pages in front of Rep. Cantor by saying: "Let me just guess – that's the 2,400-page health-care bill. Is that right?"

Man, it really does irk you that he doesn't say "Massa" any more, doesn't it?

Is it just me, or does the president's lofty arrogance bother anyone else, too? Imagine how it would make headline news if anyone in that health-care summit addressed the president as simply: "Well, Barack, let me tell you my opinion..."

My lord, Chuckie. How you go on...

Down here, particularly in the South, we use sir, ma'am, Mr., and Mrs., your honor, etc., and every other fitting and proper title in addressing others. People call it Southern hospitality.

Southern hospitality in action

(You'll excuse me if I skip a little bit here. He keeps going on about the lawfully elected President of the United States neither stepping nor fetching. It seems to bother our boy Chuckie quite a bit.)

I mean, how much pride and arrogance does it take for a president to ramrod a national health-care bill through Congress and down the throats of all Americans...

Why does every GOP tool use that same phrase? "Ram it down our throats"? Is this some kind of Brokeback Mandingo thing?

...despite a majority of Americans have voiced opposition to it...

Actually, Chuckie, you got those numbers backwards - latest polls show a majority support healthcare reform.

...every Republican in the House and Senate opposes it...

Yeah, but that's all they do these days, isn't it? They even vote against bills they co-sponsored.

...and Michigan Rep. Bart Stupak and 11 other Democratic lawmakers vow to kill it?

Remind me to explain "Blue Dog" Democrats to you sometime, Chuckie.

And to those average Americans and others who oppose Obama's far left agenda...

Yeah, yeah. A radical, leftist, socialist, Marxist centrist. Right, Chuckie. Whatever you say.

...rather than respecting their opinion or working with their differences, the president spoke about them before a live audience a few months back and condescendingly declared, "To those who are trying to stand in the way of [my] progress, let me tell you: I'm just getting started! I don't quit. I'm not tired. I'm just getting started! It's important for those folks to know: We're just going to keep on going."

First, let's be honest. What he said was "...stand in the way of progress," not "...in the way of [my] progress." I mean, he's good, but I'm pretty sure he can't pronounce brackets.

But you're right. He should just fold the first time he gets any pushback. That's what any reasonable person does - principles are just there to give us something to abandon.

And President Obama had the audacity before an audience in France in April 2009 to call America "arrogant"?

It was actually a little more nuanced than that, Chuckie.

"Such an effort is never easy. It's always harder to forge true partnerships and sturdy alliances than to act alone, or to wait for the action of somebody else. It's more difficult to break down walls of division than to simply allow our differences to build and our resentments to fester. So we must be honest with ourselves. In recent years we've allowed our Alliance to drift. I know that there have been honest disagreements over policy, but we also know that there's something more that has crept into our relationship. In America, there's a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

"But in Europe, there is an anti-Americanism that is at once casual but can also be insidious. Instead of recognizing the good that America so often does in the world, there have been times where Europeans choose to blame America for much of what's bad.

"On both sides of the Atlantic, these attitudes have become all too common. They are not wise. They do not represent the truth. They threaten to widen the divide across the Atlantic and leave us both more isolated. They fail to acknowledge the fundamental truth that America cannot confront the challenges of this century alone, but that Europe cannot confront them without America.

"So I've come to Europe this week to renew our partnership, one in which America listens and learns from our friends and allies, but where our friends and allies bear their share of the burden. Together, we must forge common solutions to our common problems."

Funny how much better it sounds in context, isn't it?

The president believes he is above any opposition, and even tried to demonize No. 1 Fox News as an illegitimate news organization because some commentators disagree with him.

Technically, that would be "all commentators," wouldn't it? And really, they didn't "demonize" them, just mentioned that they're the propaganda arm of the Republican Party... which, in a sane world, would be demonization... OK, so one point for you, Chuckie.

Of course, if you're trying to claim that liberals idolize Obama, do you see the humor in you referring to that joke of a network as "No. 1 Fox News"?

No? (Somehow, I really didn't think you would...)

But he goes on for 500 more words. And my little debunking here is already crazy long. So I'm just going to skim through the rest:

Pat Buchanan...

Please, Pat is America's second most famous surviving racist, right after David Duke.

...drinking the political Kool-Aid...

No wonder one acrostic for E.G.O. is "edging God out."

...ummm... yeah, and another is "Eating Goat Ovaries" - is there a point to this, or have you stopped taking the medications that the retirement home gives you?

I mean, dude, you're seventy! And you've spent most of your life risking cerebral trauma. I'm surprised that you can still walk (with or without a colostomy bag), so the fact that you don't make a huge amount of sense is understandable. But do you have to waste so many words to do it?

President Obama described the Constitution as "an imperfect document … a document that reflects some deep flaws … an enormous blind spot … and that the framers had that same blind spot." In so doing, the president places himself above the Constitution and those "blind framers" who just couldn't see the big picture as he does today.

Chuckie, if you're going to repeat talking points, you should probably be aware that cutting and pasting a quote together doesn't make it reality. That's not what he said, and it's getting hard to understand you with your head shoved so far up Glenn Beck's ass.

...Al Capone...Chicago politics...

Come on, Chuck! At least try to write something original! You're just phoning it in at this point. Is it past your bedtime or something?

...he denigrated biblical books like Leviticus and Deuteronomy, ridiculed the issue of inerrancy and the Bible...

Yeah! Now look here, Barack! That's my job!

...here's a verse that might help you. Proverbs 16:18: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Here's a chorus that might help you, Chuckie. Gin Blossoms, from Empire Records: "Well, maybe I don't want to take advice from fools..."