I'm gay? Shouldn't I have more fashion sense?

So I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. Only he apparently doesn't exist, so maybe it was the voices in my head... OK, let me just start again.

Kim June and I ride the same bus to work (although I get off first). His parents are from Korea, immigrated here when he was a baby. Nice enough guy, for a figment of my imagination (damned solid figment, now that I think about it...), but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I usually read on the bus, but I keep a notebook in my bag, and I've been known to write various random things in it - I'll compose parts of blog entries, for example. This one, in fact, I started on the ride to work.

Kim asked what I was writing a few weeks ago, and that was when he started reading my blog. (OK, admittedly, not right then - he waited until he was at a computer...) Which is probably where he learned about my fascinating relationship with Eric Graff.

Earlier this week, he told me that I needed to go to the accurately-titled Pathetically Incorrect, because they were talking about me again. I suggested that they did that a lot there, because Eric, after all, has that stalkerish man-crush on me. But, like a fool, I glanced over there, to find Eric and his boyfriend Slammy practically drooling as they described, for some reason, their joint fantasy of my wife using a strap-on on me.

(By the way, that's called pegging - you should never imagine that there's a kink that doesn't have a web-page devoted to it...)

They went into great detail about this scenario - really, very specific detail, making me wonder which of them (or both) was typing one-handed.

According to Eric, you see, because I don't believe in discriminating based on gender preference, I must therefore be homosexual. Or, as he put it, "If you say gay is ok, then you are gay. You support the lifestyle, the sin, the debauchery and the act. You're gay."

So there it is. Apparently, I'm gay. Who knew? But Eric says so, and he can't be wrong, can he?

He also says Kim doesn't exist: "I checked his profile at the time and he had 3 hits and had just been made." (It would be petty of me to point out that Kim made his own profile after I asked him to stop posting anonymously on Eric's perverse little stomping ground, In fact, you could say that it would be especially petty, since Kim doesn't see any downside to not existing.)

(I've got a downside for you, Kim. Not only has Eric proclaimed you an Imaginary-American, but you're apparently my sockpuppet. Don't feel too bad, though. It wasn't so long ago that he would accuse anybody he didn't recognize of being another guy named Diogenes. It's the way his paranoid little mind works.)

But apparently, in Eric's sad, poisonous little world, trying not to discriminate against people is a mortal sin. Or as he put it,

If I spoke like you did, my wife would be gone in an instant.

Wow. Really? Your wife doesn't love you? She wouldn't stand by you "in sickness and in health, all the days of (her) life, until death do you part"? How sad is that?

At least I've got that going for me. I may be an unrepentant sinner, but my wife loves me.

I just tried to read his diatribe on Ann Coulter. He calls her insane, bulimic, anorexic, and that’s all I could stand.

Weird. You couldn't make it through the whole thing? But I didn't call her "anorexic" until the end. I mean, yeah, I went for bulimia in the first few paragraphs, but... you know, Eric, I don't think you're really as honest about these things as you'd like to claim...

You can’t “wrap your head around” my ideas Bill because it’s stuck behind you.

What are you trying to say here, Eric? No, no, stay here in front of me, where I can keep an eye on you. I don't know what you're planning on doing back there, but you're the one fantasizing about guys getting pegged...

We all are astonished at... your penchant for calling God a liar

Tsk, tsk, Eric. Now you're just making things up. See, for me to call "God" a liar, I'd have to admit the possibility that this "God" person exists. But here's the funny part, Eric. I've always said, openly and honestly, that I'm agnostic. I don't know what the truth is, and I'm a big enough man to admit that.

But your stupid crap here makes me wonder; because if you are the shining example of Christianity, how wrong is the whole religion?

Or, to put it another way, because of your input, I'm pretty sure that, even if there was such a person as Jesus of Nazareth, any religion that manages to attract this many small-minded, ignorant people can't have been based on His works - you know, that whole "love thy neighbor" thing.

In fact, I can safely say that people like you, Eric, are exactly the types I wouldn't want to spend eternity with. You know, the shallow, small-minded, unthinking types, who can't even spell "ridiculous." Meaning, you know, that it's a little ridiculous for you to use it in a sentence, isn't it? Like here:

Then you make up this “Kim” thing which is just so transparent its ridicules... You no longer are relivant

Whoa. Homeschool helped you, didn't it? Here's the best part, though.

Did anyone here happen to read my words stating these were "MY OPINION" and not judging him?

OK, Eric, I'll go over this slowly for you.

opinion: (n) a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty

See, Eric, an "opinion" may be (and, in this case, is) blind, idiotic and completely, arrogantly ignorant, but it's still you, forming a judgment. I mean, I understand that since your native language is Pigfucker, English is a struggle for you, but you don't get to change the meanings of words on a whim like that.

But let's just take a look at your non-judgemental comments.

I can’t get through one paragraph of his stuff without wondering why I came in the first place...

...Such narcissistic twaddle is without equal in the blogesphere.

...This from a guy a rhino wouldn’t gore for fear of hitting an already used orifice. I just thank God he’s not contagious...

...We all are astonished at your feckless posts, lousy language and your penchant for calling God a liar...

Weird. You keep saying that. Where, Eric? Where (other than this sentence right here) have I ever said "God is a liar"? People lie. Bad translators lie (at least by default). But God?

I swear I've covered this already... But enough of my speculation. Back to you not being judgemental.

...you choose a lifestyle that puts a stench in God’s nostrils, not to mention the nausea in my gut...

...Your pathetic little blog where decent is forbidden... you make up this “Kim” thing which is just so transparent its ridicules

(Yeah, I used that one already. But you know they've got dictionaries for less than the price of a Happy Meal, right?)

..you’re an elitist...

Now, now, Eric. I'm not an elitist. I'm just smarter than you. And there's no way I could get a swelled head over that - I mean, I realize just how low that bar is set.

See the difference? "Elitist" vs. "smart enough to tie my shoes." It's a subtle difference. Think about it for a while - maybe you'll figure it out. (Doubtful, but still...)

...You have no tolerance for truth when you’re wrong, and ...when you are never wrong, you can never be right...

...You no longer are relivant because you’re arguments are too weak...

(No, really. A dictionary, an English class... something! Dude, you're killing me...)

...Your words disgust me...

...I know what God has in store for your variety...

...you’re not the pedigree God would choose to have in heaven...

...you are stench in God’s nostrils and, according to His Word, he wants no part of that nature or ilk in His Kingdom...

You're absolutely right. There's no judging going on here. Not from you. God knows you can't be wrong...

Oh, yeah, by the way.

I need a Bill-break. Can’t go there too often, my face melts.

Huh, weird. I don't recall inviting you. You know, you could... oh, I don't know... not visit the site!

It's weird. I don't recall inviting you. I don't allow your responses (mostly because I don't feel like feeding your obsession). You aren't the target audience. You don't have to come here, Eric. But you do.

Apparently, like I said, you're fixated on me. You're obsessed. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, but, to be honest, it's a little creepy.

See, Eric, if I'm as gay as you've decided that I am, and you keep coming to see me, then I have to suspect that, somewhere deep in those dark parts of your soul, you want to suck my cock.

Sorry, dude. Not gonna happen. Go away, Eric. Even if I were gay, I wouldn't have sex with you.

You're a small-minded, evil, unpleasant person, and I don't see why your wife stays with you. I guarantee that, thanks to the twisted tutelage you're giving him, your son is going to grow up, do drugs, and find a man who really loves him. (He might even call him "Daddy," just out of spite.)

Move on, Eric. Find somebody so completely clueless (or so easily led) that they actually want your counsel. I would suggest a cocker spaniel. Or perhaps Sarah Palin.