Getting Mooned

OK, so there's this series of movies (and books, and graphic novels, and soon to be video games) that you might not have heard of, called the Twilight Saga, by author Stephanie Meyer.

My daughter is a big fan. She realizes how bad they are, but she has all the novels, both in print and audiobook form. She's eagerly awaiting the release of the next movie (although she admits they aren't up to the crappiness level of the books).

However, she stopped buying the associated merchandise (the inaction figures, the brooding posters, and so on) when she had a dream that she was making out with Bella, and Bella wasn't into it. So she woke up, and was all "You bitch! I'm not buying any more of your shit."

I've never read any of the novels. I've never seen any of the movies. I have seen pictures, mostly in passing, and really, the only thought I have about any of them is "Really? You're a teenaged girl, and you think this is hot?"
This is what passes for attractive these days? Goddamn. Well, at least I know I'm straight, if this is what's supposed to look good. I mean, christ, he looks like the Joker in flesh-toned makeup.

Now, admittedly, the girls who find him attractive would be the ones who fall into the "Team Edward" camp. (Yes, that's what they call them.) There's always the "Team Jacob" girls, who like their guys... well... hairier.

Now, I've done a little research, and, from what I can tell, if you don't think like a teenage girl, the characters are wooden, the plots are unoriginal, and Bella, the lead character, is pretty much a personality-free slate for you to write your own name on. (And apparently, people do. In droves.)

And again, really? The girl's name is "Bella Swan"? You came up with a cross between Bela Lugosi and the lead character from Disney's Beauty and the Beast? And then threw in a hint of The Ugly Duckling? (Because yes, the amazingly hot girl doesn't think she's pretty until she goes to a new school and everybody is stunned by her, yadda yadda yadda...)

And then the author came up with the single worst reason for vampires to avoid the sunlight, EVER. The single worst. No other contenders for the title. They sparkle.


If you can't stomach the whole 1:08 (and trust me, I understand), jump in at about the 30 second spot.

I'd heard about this. I thought "OK, fine, they'll glint a little." Then the Trophy Wife showed me the wretched truth.

No, they went for the whole enchilada: the full-body diamond sparkle. Like he's the victim of some kind of horrible BeDazzler accident.

Something like what they did to Emma Frost in X-Men Bastardizations: Wolverine.
As it turns out, it seems that there are other characters. They've got other vampires, many of who only have first names, like Esme, Rosalie and Carlisle; there are other werewolves, with names like Sam Uley, Embry Call and Seth Clearwater (because Native American werewolves would naturally have redneck names).

And there might even be other human characters, but nobody cares about them.

I have to agree with my daughter, though. I am hereby declaring myself part of "Team Alice."

Alice was apparently turned into a vampire in the Roaring Twenties. Even if she was supposed to be crazy, she was still a child of the sexual revolution after WWI. She might go for a girl.

If Ms Meyer wants me to see her movies or read her books, Bella will drop both Edward and Jacob, and go for Alice.

I like this idea.