GOP ≠ Balls

Why are Republicans such pussies?

I mean, they talk a good fight – they like to pretend that they’re brave, stalwart defenders of all things good and noble (or in many cases, all things small and petty), but it’s classic bully behavior. The minute anything even slightly out of the ordinary happens, their bladders immediately go into Pants-Wetting Overdrive.

Around the country, the militia movement is gaining strength, fueled by white guys scared to death of losing racial primacy, and conspiracy theorists frightened to the point of heart attack that Obama is going to take away their guns.

Across the right side of the political spectrum, idiots are ramping up artificial outrage over Obama bowing to the Japanese emperor, frightened that America will lose whatever standing we have left in the world if we’re polite to the leaders of other countries.

Early this month, you had one lone, well-armed lunatic in Fort Hood, and what happened? The GOP stood there in a slowly-spreading yellow puddle shrieking about how this is the end of the world! Jihad! The terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad Muslims are coming!

Even their religion is based on fear: yeah, Jesus may love you, but you mess around and God's gonna fuck you up.

When the Twin Towers fell, the Republican-controlled Congress began eagerly shredding the Constitution, on the theory that if we lost all our rights, the terrorists wouldn’t be so scary.

And now that those same terrorists are about to be hauled into court, the GOP is soiling themselves at the thought that a terrorist might actually get a fair trial.

And then we get Rudy ("a noun, a verb and 9/11") Giuliani on Fox News, apparently believing that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would tear through his chains, escape, and destroy New York with his bare hands, telling us that we needed to ignore what he said three years ago, after he testified in the trial of terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui:

"At the same time, I was in awe of our system," the former mayor continued. "It does demonstrate that we can give people a fair trial, that we are exactly what we say we are. We are a nation of law... I think he's going to be a symbol of American justice."

Apparently, that "awe of our system" has changed to "openly sobbing in fear."

His explanation was basically "9/11 changed everything." Which is the same excuse he uses for everything from "I left the milk on the counter overnight" to "My pick for police commissioner is now an admitted criminal."

Have I mentioned that Rudy Giuliani's judgement is questionable? Of course, when your entire career, along with your job skills, are built around the phrase "I was in charge when things started blowing up," sometimes you have to use a bigger shovel to move all the bullshit.

Why does the GOP push for harsher punishments for criminals if they don't believe that the system works? And how many prisoners actually escape from a supermax prison? (Here's a hint - the word "never" is involved in the answer.)

Let's be clear on this. Either you support the American justice system, or you oppose it. America is, in fact, built on a system of laws, and now we're getting back to them. We punish criminals. Live with it.

And stop being such a pussy.