Sunday, June 14, 2009

An open letter to Ted Nugent

Dear Ted Nugent,

You know, my new debating buddy showed me a column that you wrote, and it's the perfect example of the fact that, just because you're an expert in one thing, it doesn't follow that you're an expert in everything.

Ted, you've always played some serious guitar. I'll give you that much - you are awe-inspiring on the strings. But you are not, however, a particularly deep thinker, and this column is proof of that.

Let's start with the title. I mean, you have a perfectly good bumper-sticker slogan, but you rush to explain what you means in the first six words people are going to see, instead of letting the rest of the column explain it.
The Party of 'Know,' Not 'No.'
You should have cut that off after the first four words, Ted. Let me draw you an analogy. (Oh, sorry: an "analogy" is where you compare two things and show where they're a lot alike. I'll try not to use too many of them educated words on you.)

This is like when you're playing along on a guitar solo, and you realize that you repeated a phrase one time too many. If you repeat something too often, it gets redundant... sorry. It gets "boring." (No, really - that word had nine whole letters. I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.)

But the title, which is just... well, Ted, it's like writing lyrics. Sometimes they just don't work. But then we get into your actual column, and I'm afraid that things only get worse.
In an effort to deflect criticism of (the Democratic leadership's) ongoing program to bankrupt the entire nation
OK, Ted, right off the bat you get it wrong. The Democrats are trying to fix everything that Bush and company screwed up over the last eight years. (I mean, you do know that it was Bush who started this whole bank nationalization/bailout thing, right?)
Let the guitar boy help the spelling-challenged Democrats understand what the bedrock of the Republican Party -- conservatives -- instinctively know.
Well, Ted. Sorry, I only wish that the conservatives had control of the Republican party. Sadly, the neocons, religious lunatics and the inbred have taken it over. I had respect for the Republican party once, but lately they're just sad and outdated. And very, very wrong. Much like your column.

Sometimes, the things that you think you know turn out to be horribly wrong. People used to think that the world was flat. As it turns out (I'm not sure you're aware of this), they were wrong.

You hang out with musicians, Ted; you're used to the people around you having a ridiculously high unemployment rate. For the rest of the country, that isn't considered a good thing.

So let's see what else you messed up on.
We know that stimulating the economy and getting America growing again begins with tax cuts across the board, including payroll, corporate and individual taxes.
Look, Ted, I know that you're rich. And I know that you miss your tax cuts. But you're really going to have to pay a little bit. The country is in trouble, and it needs your help. I thought you loved this country. Why do you want it to fail?

I'm sorry. Things aren't like they were back when Bush was in office. (We already covered the fact that Bush was the major force screwing all this up, right?)
We know that prosperity can not be brought about by taxing, borrowing and spending trillions of dollars.
OK, here's another new word for you - "oversimplification." You're taking a big problem, and trying to sum it up in less than twenty words.

The sad part is, to explain this to you, I've got to do the same thing. So try this: poor people need jobs. The business people aren't giving them out. The government has work it needs done. So the government gives them jobs. This helps the poor people out. And now the government needs to get the business people to start hiring, too.

Again, I'm sorry - I know this is confusing for you. It's a big problem. It takes a big plan, not small words.
We know the economic producers cannot be punished without also punishing the working class.
Wow. By that philosophy, business people can do whatever they want and never face any consequences. Of course, I guess that you don't produce much of anything except music, so maybe you don't understand business, either.

(Oh, how is that whole "music" thing going for you? Did anybody buy that album you did two years ago? Even with the help of your Damn Yankees friends?)
We know that GM and Chrysler will ultimately fail because they are now being run by the federal government and the labor unions.
You really don't know the difference between "stockholder" and "management," do you? Wow, you don't know jack-shit about business.
We know energy independence includes drilling off-shore and building many new nuclear power plants...
"...because completely destroying the environment will make everything better!"

Christ, Nuge. I know reading is hard, but the information is out there. Instead of just spouting off, you could actually look around. Best estimates tell us that even if we drilled on every inch of coastline, it would work out to one percent of daily consumption, and wouldn't kick in for ten years. It wouldn't do much of anything for us.

I thought you were a big supporter of conservation? What happened to that?

And nuclear power? Well, studies by the people actually building them tell us that building a new nuclear power plant costs more per kilowatt hour produced than any other type of power plant. Weird, isn't it?

I mean, there's other reasons, but I'm trying to keep this simple for you.

And let's ignore that we don't know what do do with the nuclear waste we already have lying around. Oh, wait! You have all that land in Michigan, and probably some other land! You should volunteer to store it for us!

No, huh?
We know that bailing out failing businesses with tax dollars is not what our founding fathers had in mind
Why do overwrought Republicans keep bringing up the Founding Fathers as if they were gods or something? It's true. The Founding Fathers didn't think of that. Of course, for that matter, using the internet, mass production, and the concept of a "global economy" were also not figured into their equations.

Do you really think that a pre-industrial society is the best source for economic advice? See, that's something else you missed out on in school, Nuge. It was called "history."
We know that more gun control laws will not reduce violence but will instead create more victims. We know that more guns equal less crime.
Hey, that's right! And since the United States has more guns than any other industrialized country, we must have less crime!

Actually, not so much. The overall US crime rate is pretty much the same as in other, similar countries, except for violent crimes: our homicide rate is three to five times higher than anybody else's. So really, guns haven't reduced crime, and the fact that they're easy to get has killed a lot of people. Where's the upside here?

And you keep going! I've already written more than you did, and I'm only halfway through. I mean, my god, Ted! How can you stand to be so wrong on every subject? Is the ADHD really that much of a problem at your age?

Tell you what, Teddy. You stick with playing the guitar, and leave the deep thinking to the people who can actually do some of it, OK?

6 comments:

Diogenes said...

Here's one of the other "issues" I just don't get, NC... maybe you can help me out.

We hear often about how Obama and the Democrats are trying to "bankrupt the country." But I have to ask: why? What's in its for them to bankrupt the country? Once bankrupt, what do they DO with it? Where do they go from there? Does it make any sense whatsoever that, one they've bankrupted the country, our citizens will then say "Good work, guys. You've prove your worth. Now go ahead and get ready of this whole democracy thing and install yourselves as the governing party in perpetuity."

I guess the answer is in the question, really. I've made the mistake, once again, of assuming that most people can connect dots, or add 2 plus 2. These guys can't.

Thanks for allowing me to post what Doofus won't!

Nameless Cynic said...

That's the thing. It's the language of fear. Anything you don't agree with, you cast in the worst possible light. That's why, for the last eight years, we've been hearing "traitor" and "hates the troops" anytime anybody disagrees with going to war with (in this case) Iraq.

It's exaggeration for political effect. You take some minor point (in this case, "he's spending a lot of money!") and you blow it up to practically biblical proportions ("he's bankrupting the country!" "He's selling our grandchildren into slavery!").

It's what Cheney's busy wandering around doing at the moment. "He's removing some of our more draconian security measures" doesn't sound nearly as scary as "He's opening us up for attack!"

And it's not just Cheney. It's the language of the Far Right. "Socialist," "Communist" and "Fascist" don't mean anything when they say it, other than "I disagree with this position, so I'm going to call it by the most negative term I can find."

Nameless Cynic said...

Oh, and by the way, I don't censor responses. I'm a big fan of open communication. If you make idiot statements, I'll ridicule you mercilessly, but I'll let you have your say.

It's called "freedom of speech" - you know, one of the things the Republicans don't support any more.

(Admittedly, if I was to get robo-responses or legions of idiots with nothing to say but "you suck," I might reconsider, but that hasn't come up yet. I can take insults - I just don't support spam.)

Diogenes said...

Amazing! Our cretinous acquaintance of the Neanderthal ultrarightwing variety has now taken to NOT posting anything I leave, but "interpreting" it in his own words and style, and then responding. I see he did pretty much the same thing with you, too. He is, truly, the Sound of One Hand Clapping.

You just have to read some of his crap and shake your head in amazement. My favorite this time around? "There are more suicides related to unemployment and the market crash then troop deaths in BOTH wars." Hooo baby......

It would be even funnier if he used a shred of logic every now and again, and threw in one correctly spelled complete sentence just for yucks.

Diogenes said...

And now, it seems, you've joined the "Banned By Cretin" list. Congrats, and welcome to the club! I'm sure that this tragic turn of events will negatively impact your life for, oh, 0.02 seconds.

This guy would need a massive wattage upgrade just to be known as a "dim bulb".

The Keeper Of Odd Knowledge (KOOK) said...

What was in it for Argentina to ruin their economy?

What was in it for the Japanese to have the lost decade?


The fact remains that they did it.
I never said it was logical, only that it is the logical outcome of uncontrolled spending, inflation, and excessive government interference.

I don't care what they say they are doing, I just look at the results of their actions.