Saturday, June 09, 2007

22 Ways to be a Good Republican

My father, as he is wont to do, forwarded an email to me entitled "How to be a good Democrat." He does things like that, because he doesn't agree with my politics and it tickles his sense of humor.

He forwarded it to my sister in LA, too. (As opposed to my sister in Virginia, the minister.) She responded almost immediately, with a couple of relatively pissy quotes. Even at her advanced age (around 47 or so), she lets people push her buttons. She reacts, and they get to giggle.

(OK, I'll admit it. I've been known to push her buttons, too. It's hard not to: they're big, and red, and labeled in bright colors. You can't help yourself.)

Personally, I sat down and fired off a response, point for point. I've always found that a certain amount of humor is a better way to respond to the ignorant. ("Be pithy, not pissy," if you like.)

If you get the same email, feel free to use mine, if you like. I'm not going to copyright it or anything. (Especially since, with the nature of the internet, I couldn't stop you if I wanted to. But I don't. So it's cool.)

22 Ways to be a Good Democrat.

22 Ways to be a Good Republican

1. You have to be against capital punishment,
but support abortion on demand.

1. You have to support the "Right to Life," unless
it's the life of a prisoner. After all, God said all life
is sacred except for THEIR life, right?

2. You have to believe that businesses create
oppression and governments create prosperity.

2. You have to believe that businesses will ever
work in favor of anyone but themselves.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of
law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than
U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of
Chinese and North Korean communists.

3. You have to believe that chemical weapons
sold to the Iraqi government by the US are
sufficient reason to invade Iraq.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before
Federal funding.

4. You have to believe that there is no art
worth funding that doesn't involve dogs
playing poker.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are
less affected by cyclical documented changes in the
earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms
driving SUV's.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures
are unaffected by increased particles in the
atmosphere, despite what an eighth grade
education would tell you. You also have to
believe everything that the oil companies say.
Because they love you and wouldn't try to
steal from you.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial
but being homosexual is natural.

6. You have to ignore that part of the Bible where it
says"This is the first and greatest Commandment.
The second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself.
On these two
commandments hang all the laws and the
prophets."

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread
by a lack of federal funding.

7. You have to believe that AIDS is God's
punishment on the wicked, but cancer
is just nature's way of thinning the
herd. (Oh, yeah. And cancer isn't
related to smoking at all.)

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who
can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow
qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

8. You have to believe that a man who pays gay
prostitutes to bugger him and sell him
methamphetamines is qualified to judge your
behavior.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care
about nature, but loony activists who have never
been outside of San Francisco do.

9. You have to believe that hunters need
automatic weapons to hunt herbivores.
Because deer are dangerous.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more
important than actually doing something to earn it.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is
entirely unimportant. Because if you aren't
born rich, you shouldn't feel good about
yourself. (Like Paris Hilton. She should feel
good about herself. And she deserves not
to be in jail.)

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent
$25 million of his own money to make The Passion
of the Christ
for financial gain only.

11. You have to believe that a man who doesn't believe
that the Holocaust happened is qualified to teach
you anything. (Oh, yeah. And it's a good idea to
make a movie in ancient Aztec. There's the
sign of a stable mind…)

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it
supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the
ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution.

12. You have to believe that George Bush supports any
part of the Constitution or the Bill of Rights.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low,
but ATM fees are too high.

13. You have to believe that oil had nothing
to do with invading Iraq. (Let's see. Before we
invaded Iraq, gas prices were $1.50 per gallon.
Now, I'm paying $3.50 per gallon. Why did
we go to Iraq again?)

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and
Gloria Steinem are more important to American
history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee,
and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

14. You have to believe that no woman in American
history did anything except Betsy Ross.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

15. You have to believe that black people have never
been discriminated against, and they're poor
because they're lazy.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal
and is a very nice person.

16. You have to believe that, despite being tortured in
a Vietnamese prison camp, John McCain should
support torturing Muslims in Guantanamo.

17. You have to believe that the only reason
socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is
because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that Halliburton, because of
unfettered capitalism, is doing a good job of
supporting our troops. (Please ignore the
spoiled meat and $100 meals.)

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the
truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender
belonged in the White House.

18. You have to believe that a blowjob is evil, but
taking a country to war based on lies is noble.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades
displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should
be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.

19. You have to believe that Rudy Giuliani's
propensity for dressing in drag means nothing.
(Oh, and you have to believe that there's
nothing odd about conflating bestiality
and homosexuality. After all, they're the
same thing, aren't they?)

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic
Party funding by the Chinese Government is
somehow in the best interest to the United States.

20. You have to believe that illegal Republican
suppression of voting rights is somehow in the
best interest of the American people.

21. You have to believe that this message is a
part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

21. You have to believe that any response to
this message is some kind of insane, left-wing
paranoia.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give
Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's
not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

22. You have to be stupid enough to believe that
there is such a thing as a "War on Christmas."
Oh, yeah, and the resurrection of a deity has
something to do with rabbits and colored
eggs, too.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh, how I love this! Excellent work! I am bookmarking this and borrowing it for my blog!

Good on ya!

Roger said...

Okay, let’s get this straight.

1. You have to support the "Right to Life," unless
it's the life of a prisoner. After all, God said all life
is sacred except for THEIR life, right?

First, there is a BIG difference between innocent life and life that has taken other lives. The biblical principle for this is that God provides for governments to take the life of someone who has committed a crime. There is no biblical provision for taking innocent life.

2. You have to believe that businesses will ever
work in favor of anyone but themselves.

Republicans do not believe this. They simply believe that in order to have a free market economy, you have to let business be business. You also have to believe that if you don’t like the company you don’t have to do business with them and you are always free to seek employment elsewhere.


3. You have to believe that chemical weapons
sold to the Iraqi government by the US are
sufficient reason to invade Iraq.

Again, simply not true. However, both democrats and republicans supported the war in Iraq and now they want to back (hindsight) and say that they didn’t. Republicans on the other hand are a bit more honest about this – even though they

.
4. You have to believe that there is no art
worth funding that doesn't involve dogs
playing poker.

Why should ANYONE be forced to pay for art. If it’s good, we will want to pay for it. If not, then why FORCE us with tax $$ to pay for it?

5. You have to believe that global temperatures
are unaffected by increased particles in the
atmosphere, despite what an eighth grade
education would tell you. You also have to
believe everything that the oil companies say.
Because they love you and wouldn't try to
steal from you.

There is a possibility that the republicans are wrong about this one and that we should start listening to what the eco-conservatives are saying.

6. You have to ignore that part of the Bible where it
says"This is the first and greatest Commandment.
The second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself. On these two
commandments hang all the laws and the
prophets."

Okay, but being a homosexual still is not natural. That doesn’t mean that I want to harm you if you are homosexual – but if it’s not natural then why should I pretend like it is – which is what democrats what us to do.

7. You have to believe that AIDS is God's
punishment on the wicked, but cancer
is just nature's way of thinning the
herd. (Oh, yeah. And cancer isn't
related to smoking at all.)

Okay, here you go again confuting some of the very right wing people who call themselves republicans and the mainstream of the party. 99% of us do not believe or feel this way.


8. You have to believe that a man who pays gay
prostitutes to bugger him and sell him
methamphetamines is qualified to judge your
behavior.

Here is the biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats. When we find out about the man who pays gay prostitutes we send him packing. When you find out about the teacher you give him more responsibility and keep him around.

9. You have to believe that hunters need
automatic weapons to hunt herbivores.
Because deer are dangerous.

Can’t argue with you there.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more
important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is
entirely unimportant. Because if you aren't
born rich, you shouldn't feel good about
yourself. (Like Paris Hilton. She should feel
good about herself. And she deserves not
to be in jail.)

It’s much more like a liberal than a conservative to say that “she deservers to not be in jail.”, so I think you are a bit confused about you ideology. Also, read the statement, it says that self-esteem should be earned not handed out.

11. You have to believe that a man who doesn't believe
that the Holocaust happened is qualified to teach
you anything. (Oh, yeah. And it's a good idea to
make a movie in ancient Aztec. There's the
sign of a stable mind…)

That’s not the point. Re-read the statement.

12. You have to believe that George Bush supports any
part of the Constitution or the Bill of Rights.

And, do you want to be more specific about what he doesn’t support? Or how about spending more time with your response defending the ACLU?

13. You have to believe that oil had nothing
to do with invading Iraq. (Let's see. Before we
invaded Iraq, gas prices were $1.50 per gallon.
Now, I'm paying $3.50 per gallon. Why did
we go to Iraq again?)

Are you completely ignorant. How can you say that oil was the reason for invading Iraq. If it was, wouldn’t oil be 99 cents now? If for some mistaken reason you think that the oil companies are now making $2.00 more in profits, then please substantiate this. Your logic here is bogus.


14. You have to believe that no woman in American
history did anything except Betsy Ross.

Excuse me? Ronald Regan and George Bush have provided more opportunities for women than either Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter. The first female to the Supreme Court was nominated by Ronald Regan and Bush has more minorities on his cabinet than any of his predecessors..


15. You have to believe that black people have never
been discriminated against, and they're poor
because they're lazy.

Sorry my friend, but that card has already been played – way too many times. The truth is that conservatives want treat people as indivituals. Let’s provide for people based on their economic need, but not based solely on the color of their skin. I just can’t figure out why that makes sense.

16. You have to believe that, despite being tortured in
a Vietnamese prison camp, John McCain should
support torturing Muslims in Guantanamo.

Nobody supports torture. If this is true then please provide your factual basis for this.

17. You have to believe that Halliburton, because of
unfettered capitalism, is doing a good job of
supporting our troops. (Please ignore the
spoiled meat and $100 meals.)

Take 100 of your closest conservatives friends and you won’t find a single one that believes t his. However, take 100 of your closest socialists friends and most will believe that the only reason
socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is
because the right people haven't been in charge

18. You have to believe that a [sexual act by a married President with a woman who is not his wife] is evil, but
taking a country to war based on lies is noble.

It goes to judgment. First let’s point out that the liberal democrats also supported the war. Secondly, are you saying it is okay for the President of the United states to do what he did with someone that is not his wife? If you are, then that’s where we differ.


19. You have to believe that Rudy Giuliani's
propensity for dressing in drag means nothing.
(Oh, and you have to believe that there's
nothing odd about conflating bestiality
and homosexuality. After all, they're the
same thing, aren't they?)

If Giulianii did this then he is an idiot. So, where is the problem?

20. You have to believe that illegal Republican
suppression of voting rights is somehow in the
best interest of the American people.

Suppression of voting rights? This is just like you liberals. It sounds good. It sounds like something that you can say that conservatives would endorse – but the reality is much different. It doesn’t happen.

21. You have to believe that any response to
this message is some kind of insane, left-wing
paranoia.

No, but it’s weak and without any facts and really is typical of the left in that it doesn’t address or point out anything – it just simply shifts the focus to something other than the truth.

22. You have to be stupid enough to believe that
there is such a thing as a "War on Christmas."
Oh, yeah, and the resurrection of a deity has
something to do with rabbits and colored
eggs, too

It may not be labeled as “War on Christmas”, but you’d have to be blind not to notice that “Christmas” is being removed from everything and being replaced with “Holiday” or some other secular label. At least give us that.

Anonymous said...

Dude...Roger...S-A-R-C-A-S-M. Look it up.

Anonymous said...

Roger is right.